I’ve been wondering how I am doing lately. Last I was writing here on medium, I was about to set out on my grand adventure, from which I returned in late September 2024. So, seems to me like it’s a good time for a check-in! Thanks to old friend Jimmy “the horn” Eastman for asking, and prompting this entry. I figure things out by writing about them, so come along as I plumb the depths of my feelings!
In the now, I had a down/grumpy day yesterday: suffered a ride-ending flat tire on my bike fairly far from home; also didn’t accomplish most of the stuff I had intended.
But today, the sun is shining, I’m going to one of my favorite repeating volunteer gigs this afternoon, I’m journalling this morning, I’m going to play board games with friends tonight, and the sun is out briefly as I write this.
At therapy this week, I asked my therapist if I was somehow sociopathic, or anyway suppressing my grief since I hadn’t really gotten angry or sad about the election results yet. Was I suppressing my emotions somehow? Would I break down crying at some inconvenient time on a street corner in public? Would I blow up at my partner for something trivial when what I was angry about was the likely shittier future that my niece and nephew have been consigned to within the next political cycle? He suggested that we process things on our own timetable and I wasn’t broken or wrong. But he also suggested that focusing on every potential problem that I couldn’t impact directly — things like the election outcome, or the wider trend climate change, or the increased prospect of nuclear war in the near future — was at least distracting me from the light I could shine in the world and my community today, by living my own values and at worst, distracting me from also remembering to put my own oxygen mask on so I could better help others in whatever ways present themselves.
I also broke down in tears today, a week after the election results; some music from my teenage years was the magic that tugged more directly at the heartstrings, and it was cathartic and left me feeling a bit brighter afterwards. But now I have a warm and cozy lap-friend, who is also helping me feel loved in this moment.
In the medium term, I’m worried. Of course there is the political situation looming over us; accepting this requires the recognition that a substantial chunk — perhaps not a majority, but a majority of people who are able and willing to express their opinion by voting — of my fellow citizens have a wildly different opinion than mine; it seems they find a path of authoritarian fascism, science denial, widespread deceit, and outlawing of people whom I care about and who deserve to live their best lives preferable to a message of empathy & support, integrity, and working to curb climate change (or at least not making it worse). Now — this worry can be productive, and should lead to activism and a call to really be my best self. I have many irons in the fire in delivering local community support — from being a trained emergency first responder in case of tragedy such as a huge earthquake or other national disaster, to volunteering with a half dozen organizations in the past month and looking for one or two organizations to devote some more serious sustained time and attention to, in order to help carry my community through tough times. Some of the work I’m most looking forward to is getting to mentor some folks who are earlier in their tech careers to help them grow and thrive; I’m angling to work with some local college students as well as some folks in the Support professionals community that really helped make the last decade of my career the most meaningful.
In the long term, I’m trying to find some hope. While today’s sour feelings are amplified due to the egregious nature of our country’s leader to be, it is still a country I live in (for now, at least — I don’t discount emigrating away from this nonsense if it becomes practical, as I have never been highly patriotic. Instead, I’m interested in being a participant in choosing our shared direction, rather than a spectator — and I can do that anywhere). Instead of calling my neighbors Nazis or going deeper on the “us versus them” debacle that our 2-party system has really magnified in recent decades, I am choosing to funnel the hopes into the shared future of not just our local community but also in my habits:
- a new habit of personal fitness, as I discovered during an unexpected health scare earlier this year that I do care about maintaining this body even if I don’t always treat it like a temple. I’m enjoying fitting into clothes I’d set aside as too small, and had a better showing at a cyclocross race last weekend that I did somewhat on a lark, than I ever had when I was racing somewhat more seriously and much more regularly, a decade ago.
- Finding, and doing work that matters — volunteering as I mentioned above, but also spending more time focused on the relationships that matter with my partner, my friends, my family, and nature.
- and, remembering that exploring, learning, and growing is both satisfying and invigorating — keeping me alive and allowing me to thrive. Doing things like writing, cycling, and acting more extroverted than I feel are not a zero sum game but instead create value and joy if I put effort into them…and maybe bring some friends along.
Want to come along with me, friends?
